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so... [Oct. 29th, 2007|11:30 pm]
Anqi and i have broken up. and i'm only writing this here so i can save myself the trouble of telling it in person to whoever will read it here before then.

i dunno, the past week has been pretty shitty, and she said things just weren't working out, and i had to agree. but i wanted to try and make things better, but she thought it just wasn't worth it. we're still friends i guess, and i have to admit i like that. the past several days of being "just friends" have made me feel like our situation when we started dating prevented us from doing so many things as just "friends" that i really regret not doing before.

the whole thing is just so hard for me to accept, like i feel like it's soooo hard to not want to be her boyfriend and not want to hold her hand and hang out with her all the time, like it's so hard to just let go like i feel she has. but she has other things to do and other people she likes hanging out with and even a boy she hangs out with all the time who i bet she could be in a relationship with except she says she's not ready yet. and i feel bad sometimes because it feels like i can't just let her go and do her own thing, but at the same time i'm worried that she's going to end up making some decisions that she'll regret in the future.

blah, the whole thing just makes me really sad and lonely. i'd love to get back together with her, even though i know it wouldn't be the same for a while, but i'm not getting my hopes up. yet i'm worried that i won't find anyone who could make me feel the way she did. oh, well. whatever. this was probably more than i needed to say, but i feel like it would be easier than telling it to a lot of people in person. the end.
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so... [Sep. 13th, 2007|01:27 am]
the 6 button fell off of my phone. it still works, though...it's just weird.
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bleh bleh bleh bleh [May. 8th, 2007|02:03 am]
ah, well tonight was dumb. i did my last Matlab assignment ever in Calculus, and it took me for freaking ever. i finished like 20 minutes ago. it was ridiculous. um...at least school is almost over, although i realized i have another paper to write for philosophy which isn't due until next Thursday, when i have my final in that class.

blah, school should just end already. i'm going on a road trip on May 26th through June 1st or 2nd, depending on when Erik needs to be back, and that should be cool. i'm going with Erik and Stu, and maybe Chris, mostly because i really really want to go with Erik and i figured Erik and Stu get along better than Erik and just about any of my other friends, and i asked Chris to go just because i love taking road trips with Chris, but i guess it's alright if he can't come. if he can't, hopefully i'll get a chance later in the summer to go somewhere with him. or maybe i'll go on that bike ride i've thought about from here to Pittsburg, with whoever feels like coming. me, Erik, and Stu are going around Lake Michigan i guess, in kind of a wide loop, and hopefully we'll get a chance to stop off in Yellow Springs, Ohio, because i feel like i missed out on a lot when i went there with Chris. i don't really know what's in Michigan, like the other half that sticks out horizontally above the main part, but there's lots of national or state parks, so it should be cool. plus the midwest is pretty alright by itself, from my experience with it, except northern Ohio.

blah. Anqi's going to be gone for three weeks in July, and i don't have anything planned for that time as far as band stuff goes, so hopefully i'll get another trip in during that time, on bikes or in cars. Geri suggested that me and him and some other people go on a road trip this summer, so i'm thinking that would be cool, just because Geri is a cool guy. i'm also thinking about going somewhere with Jake, because he seems like the exploring type and all. um, i dunno...maybe i'll just be like, "Geri! you and me are changing the oil in your Taurus and then driving to Mexico and staying there for a couple weeks." that would be cool.

having my van fully operational now is a huge relief. it was such a pain this past weekend getting it back from the shop and seeing that the fan worked for a second, and then taking it out that night and having it overheat again because the little thing that joins the fan motor to the blades was stripped and only catching some of the time (some of the time being the time me and my dad saw it turning). but i went to Crazy Ray's and got a new (to me) part and a new tail light because apparently Dan can't park his car. all told, it cost about a gazillion dollars less than getting new parts from the dealer, though. maybe this weekend i'll take Kenny to Crazy Ray's and he can get a new turn signal for his van if he feels like going up there. eh, i actually just kinda like the junkyard. it's cool salvaging working parts from non-working cars. but then again, i just think cars in general are pretty cool. actually, mostly just that my car is totally awesome and other cars are just cool.

and to make my car even cooler, it's going to hit 168,666 miles tomorrow. so there. hopefully this weekend i'll put some paint on the roof, too. my dad said it would only cost like $300 to paint the whole thing, but i feel bad painting it if it's just gonna get written on again. i wouldn't say it's worth it; i'll just put a coat of rusty metal primer on the roof and be done with it. which is weird, because on Friday night when i got a little chunk knocked out of the glass on my tail light, i immediately thought how i'd be at Crazy Ray's on Sunday afternoon getting a new one. because somehow lights are more important than the body itself. oh, well. i like the smell and ambiance of cigarette smoke, but i don't like the idea of smoking cigarettes. maybe someday i'll just light cigarettes and leave them burning for the atmospheric effect, but never actually smoke them. the end.
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bikes!! [Apr. 26th, 2007|01:12 am]
it shouldn't have been this cold tonight. i just got back from a bike ride around the lake. i forgot how scary night bike rides to the lake can be, and why i hardly ever go there after dark. it's actually probably safer than most places in town, but it's just that feeling of being entirely alone the whole way. i saw a total of one other person, and that was within sight of campus. going around the lake itself isn't that bad, either...that gray-yellow sky is reflected on the surface and when you're on the far shore you can see the train go by but not hear it, only it roars by 20 yards away from you on the near shore. but going there and back is just weird. but no late-night ride can compare to the one i took in Huntington. 1 a.m. in some dirty industrial hick town eight hours from home, freezing cold January night, riding by the unlit train yard with a couple of drunk winos yelling at me as i rode past. scary. bikes rule.
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any time you can find me there, i'll be waiting. [Apr. 24th, 2007|02:38 am]
[music |i walk past the place to meet without turning.]

wow, Seam is such a cool band.
mmm, tonight the sky reminded me of one time a while ago when i was coasting my bike under the train tracks in Nashville to the other side of town and i looked up and there was that dim yellow halogen aura in the clouds and in the air and a few drops of rain fell for a minute then stopped and i was so hungry but couldn't find a cheap place to eat that late and had been riding much farther than i'd anticipated. but it was nice, and warm for being January, and made me glad to at least be away. it felt so different from home, and i liked it. the next morning was cold and windy. but tomorrow won't be like that.
summer is coming. i can't wait. i refuse to wait.
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new discoveries: past 24 hours: [Apr. 19th, 2007|11:23 pm]
[mood |fingers crossed]

1. my Marshall 4x12 cab has only 3 working, wired-up speakers. it is, previously unbeknownst to me, a 3x12. strange.
2. Erik's 2x15 bass cab only has 1 working speaker. also strange.
3. the reason Marshall used to put 35-watt Celestion speakers in their cabs instead of 75-watt ones was so that the speakers would be pushed beyond their normal power limit and experience the "breakup" which is apparently very desirable, only it would come at lower volume levels. i don't really care about this because i doubt any guitar speaker we own will be seriously played at anything except super-loud volume ever again.

repairs are in progress. as of next weekend, all of the electronic equipment that is used by the bands Neverending Winter, Kamikaze Noise, the Fighting Polygon Team, Randall, and other bands which share members with those four, will work properly. for the first time since last December.

hopefully.

and yeah, i really have noticed that all our speakers ever experience is super-loud volumes. and in my car, almost all the music i play is at high levels. it's like they wait and wait and wait to be played, and when they are played, we wring every ounce of juice we can get out of them, and then turn them off. it's interesting i guess. but i guess speakers don't really have feelings, so i don't really mind doing it.
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attention wintry weather: [Apr. 16th, 2007|09:13 pm]
it's spring! get over yourself!
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uhm humm [Apr. 12th, 2007|08:58 pm]
[music |Gregor Samsa, Woodcat]

i played a game of StarCraft today. and i won. against three computer players. in fact, i totally destroyed. well, not really. i also played a one on one game yesterday and won that, too. in fact, it was really cool that i won that one, because i was Zerg and fighting against Protoss, which is usually my worst matchup against the computer because the computer will just use a bunch of psionic storms and even though it has practically nothing left, it will destroy massive portions of my armies. because even the most powerful Zerg units don't have many hit points. but i used cool strategies, like parasites for scouting and spawn broodlings on their high templar and plague with defilers buried just outside the computer's base. plague and spawn broodlings and parasite all rule. and then i crept a group of lurkers into their northern base, while i attacked their western base with my guardians and retreated to recover every time i got hit with a psionic storm. once it got to that really irritating point where the computer is out of resources and their only defense is high templar, i used spawn broodlings on all their high templar and easily took out the rest of their base with lurkers. totally cool. then today, i thought i was going to get rushed, but i didn't, so i ended up behind on bases because i'd spent so much time reinforcing my first one. i was Terran, and i put two SCVs and two seige tanks on this ridge just below this base the Protoss had established, and i built like 6 or 8 missile turrets on this ridge and then hit the base with my seige tanks and it was cool because i had enough turrets there that the computer couldn't hit me from the air or drop anything onto the ridge because they'd get killed. so i eventually put some goliaths and more turrets up there, and once i'd taken out all the probes from this base, i sent a couple more seige tanks in to take out the rest of it, and i only had like 6 seige tanks, 6 goliaths, and 4 missile turrets to defend that base for the rest of the game. then i was about even as far as bases, and waited out a bunch of attacks from the 2 remaining computers, then made an army of like 5 seige tanks and 4 vultures and took out the one computer's only remaining base, and then i built like 6 battlecruisers, 6 wraiths, a science vessel, and 2 nuclear silos and took out this island base in the center. and then i basically used nukes and seige tanks to take out the rest of the computer's high templar and dark archons and photon cannons. then i sent in my 6 battlecruisers and finished them off and it was way cool. i was proud of myself. but not really. it's been way too long since i played StarCraft, but lately i find myself using cool strategies like plague and burying defilers just outside my opponent's base and irradiate and spawn broodlings and parasite for scouting the enemy base and psionic storm and using missile turrets and seige tanks on ridges to take out workers at a base and lining the perimeter of my base and choke points like bridges with spider mines and actually using vultures (which actually rule) and high templar and queens and defilers and dark templar and corsairs (which are actually really annoying to fight against).

i found out on YouTube that there's an actual StarCraft league in Korea and i watched a couple of battles from it, and they have the game speed set really high and it's so different from what i'm used to, against the computer (where there's a giant rush or two at the beginning and then they only send 4 or 5 units at a time to your base after that, and it's a battle to see who can establish themselves the best) or against other people (which i haven't done in a while, but it sometimes involved a rush or two, and lots of building massive armies and sending huge groups of the most powerful air units at once). it was really cool to watch, because there's no setting up huge defenses from the very start, and absolutely constant attacking and unit production, but usually low to middle-level units, unless the games run very long, which they usually don't. anyways, it was cool, and i'm learning ways that i can totally pwn Bryan Channas if we ever play again and i'm sure i'll be addicted to watching these replays because they're just so damn cool.

i went running today, too. that was alright. i have a big calculus test tomorrow that i have to study for, too. and i have a big physics assignment due, too. and i'm going to see Government Warning on Saturday in DC. and supposedly Anqi is in a band with Jake Winstanley, and they're playing somewheres on Friday, so i'll probably go see that. and i've been playing a lot of Pokemon. i'm about to beat Sabrina in Saffron City. i gave Anqi my blue version, too, and she's been playing, too. tomorrow i'm going to buy a link cable and we'll trade Pokemon. and at some point, we'll have to buy another game so we can get Bulbasaur and Squirtle and Jolteon and Flareon and complete our Pokedexes. that will be cool, i know it. and then i'll finally be able to go to the guy in the Celadon Mansion who says to come see him when you've got all 150 pokemon in your pokedex. i forget what he gives you, so it should be cool. i can't wait to finish studying so i can play Pokemon and watch replays of professional StarCraft games and then go to sleep. i need to cut my fingernails.
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blah blah blah blah blah [Apr. 5th, 2007|01:10 am]
punks is dumpies. apparently kickball tonight didn't happen, even though last week everyone was like, "yeah! we should do this every wednesday night!" and "i haven't done something this cool in a while." so that was kind of disappointing. i'd been looking forward to it all week. um...i also got my money eaten by 3 vending machines today. that was disappointing, too. and, to top it all off, i nearly had a heart attack when i read the e-mail that i just noticed i had gotten regarding my philosophy paper that i already turned in. it was just some argument we absolutely were not to consult in the paper, but i was confused about what argument it was and thought it was the exact one i took half the paper discussing. i immediately checked and it turned out it wasn't, but that would have sucked a whole whole lot. so i got off lucky there. the world is too stressful for me.
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mmmmmm [Apr. 2nd, 2007|08:17 pm]
[mood | tired]
[music |Dmin x4, C x2, F, Emin, Bb x4, Amin x2, Bb x2. low and high.]

do you ever think somebody is just plain dumb and will never get it, and then start to think that maybe they're way ahead of you and you just don't understand it now? i mean, i feel a lot of times like i'm way over some random kid's head, and just assume that to be true. but that kid probably thinks the exact opposite about me, like i just don't get it and i'm doing it all wrong. i used to think that emo music was just all whiny bullshit, but now i really understand it and appreciate it and it's probably my favorite kind of music to listen to. the dreamer thinks he's so much smarter than the realist and will get so much more value out of life, but the realist thinks she's going places and the dreamer will just wallow in his own thoughts and imagination for the rest of his life and his goals will never be realized. i'd vote for the dreamer, but what if there's someone with an even deeper understanding of things and who can look past even the bullshit i run into. hmm...
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hmmmm [Mar. 16th, 2007|01:00 am]
[music |Seam, Codeine]

so it's like 4000 miles until summer and 8000 more until fall. when my van was at 130, my dad bought 50,000 mile tires because he said they would outlast the car. hopefully he'll be wrong. actually, hopefully the new set of 50,000 mile tires he bought at 145 will need replacing. i think it'll last about a million miles. or at least get to 666,666. that would be cool. doubtful (highly), but still cool. i'm tired.
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mhmmmm [Mar. 14th, 2007|11:38 pm]
[music |The Blackthorns]

today's too nice to spend it any other way than riding on our bikes...or driving with the windows down listening to Charles Bronson and G.I.S.M. and now i'm going to go get some fries with just a t-shirt on. i could go for some more of this weather.
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Bikes!! [Mar. 14th, 2007|03:48 pm]
'til death!!!
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isn't it funny... [Mar. 5th, 2007|09:48 pm]
[Current Location |I-495 Magic Mormon Disneyland Kingdom of Latter-Day Saints]
[music |hissssssss tweeeeeee]

i have this sore-type thing on my ear, right where the bottom of my ear connects to my head, and i'm trying to decide whether i should just let it go, because it only hurts every once in a while, and even then it's only for a little bit, and i know it'll just go away before long, or pop it and release all the pus and possibly blood that's walled up inside of it to get on my fingers and ear, but have it be done with then and there. hmm...
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i fucked up. [Feb. 27th, 2007|12:15 am]
again. and then again. i believe it was Liz in Shaun of the Dead who was like, "Shaun...you need to sort yer fucking life out." yeah, that's me pretty much right now. and yeah, i bet Kelly is the only other person in the world who has watched Shaun of the Dead enough times to know that line. but at any rate, i'm working on it. so don't worry.

in other news, i saw Pygmylush tonight in Arlington. it was really fucking sweet, and i guess they have like...a loud set and a quiet set, because tonight all the songs they played were really quiet and blues-y and folky and sad, even the version of Hurt Everything. but it was really sweet. then at the end they said something about their loud set, which made me think they have two different types of sets they play. yeah. cool. and Men as Trees were much better than the impression i got from their myspace. they had a lot of the really pretty melodic 2-guitar parts that i'm such a sucker for, but i guess they went into too much of the more poppy stuff that i don't really like. and Drugs of Faith played, too, which i was not expecting. they rule. always.
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no good time [Feb. 25th, 2007|12:43 am]
sometimes i really really can't stand myself. i kind of just want to drop out of everything for a little while i guess.
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what to do [Feb. 20th, 2007|11:54 pm]
[mood |eh]
[music |Ghastly City Sleep. over and over.]

when you've dug yourself so deep into something and you suddenly want to throw it away and start over. a new life. a new everything. away from everything you hate about your present state. when you know, though, that just ending it would let so many people down except you. people that suddenly matter more than you ever thought. what to do when you've made excited hurried shouting laughing dreaming plans and suddenly want to let go of them. when you can't tell anyone because they were all part of your excited hurried shouting laughing dreaming plan and now you don't want them to be. when you said forever and now you don't mean it so much. when you said never and didn't anticipate anything but the way it was. what to do when you have a secret that you can't wait to tell but if you tell anyone or everyone or him or her it will blow up in your face because they will be the ones with nothing left worth living for. but you can't either because where would you turn otherwise. when you have the memory stuck in your head and find you aren't as able to move on as you would like to think. what to do when you can't stand just ignoring endless pathos but you can't stand what said pathos stands for. when you're so damn scared to come out of the closet because you don't want to let a single person down ever. maybe i am too nice. i definitely am too nice. i can't stand myself sometimes. maybe Anqi's right and i'm like Jim and unable to act to get out of a situation that i don't like just because to stay is honorable and if i do i won't let people down but somehow i'm willing to live with the inner turmoil it causes me. Anqi is definitely right. thank you. i can't stand myself sometimes. it's like some things are traps that i can't escape because i'm afraid it will make other people unhappy. i think about it all the time, and i don't want to have to anymore. i just don't know how to escape it. suggestions?
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interesting [Feb. 17th, 2007|04:39 pm]
[mood |jlkdsf;a]
[music |Themselves, Cannibal Ox]

i had a kind of scary dream last night. actually, it was this morning. it was between 11, when i went back to sleep after waking up for a little while, and 12, when i woke up for good. i didn't even realize that was enough time to have a dream in. but anyway, my dream happened in one of those big castle-ish halls, like in the Legend of Zelda or something. i guess it was more of a church, actually, because i was standing in an aisle between rows and rows of pews, and i got handed this sword that was totally sweet-looking, and it was supposed to be the most powerful sword ever or something, and i just whipped it around my head and took out a huge crowd of people in the seats to my right, and everyone was like, "wow," and the people just disappeared. it was like i didn't have to use any effort at all at first, just swinging this big sword around a few more times and killing huge groups of people. but then i started having to swing it harder to take out people, and i'd have to hit people with it a couple of times. i guess the blade was getting dull or something, but after a while i realized that i wasn't killing anyone with my sword anymore. and i actually looked at the people i was hitting, and realized that my giant blade swinging across their necks was only cutting their throats, not making them just disappear in a flash. it started really worrying me for some reason, but then i took out another sword that was supposed to be almost as powerful as the first one, and it worked perfectly for a second, then did the same thing as the other sword. then i started seeing the looks on the faces of the people i was swinging my sword at, seeing the fear in their eyes and the grimaces on their faces as i dragged my blade across their necks, only making a narrow slit on their throats, like an enormous paper-cut. then i got another sword, hoping that it would end the torture i was going through having to look at my tortured victims. then with this sword, which worked no better than the one i had just traded out, i actually saw faces i recognized; Jesse, Bryan Channas, my mother, my Aunt Kelly, Chris...it was terrible, but i couldn't bring myself to stop even after wondering how many more of the people that matter to me i'd killed or hurt. then i swung this third and weakest sword and saw Jesse's head tilt back and tense up as i dragged the heavy blade across his neck and saw the thin trail the sword had made across his throat and felt the same sting he must have been feeling on my own throat and then i woke up.

it was, in one way, kind of like that movie that i never saw and can't remember the name of, where the whole catch phrase is something like what if you had an enormously strong power, but the more you used it, the weaker it got. except i only used this power i had for evil, and the weaker it got, the worse i felt about using it, like how living forever in horrible pain is worse than dying. if it ever comes down to it, i want to be euthanized.
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snow day woohoowoohoowoohoo [Feb. 13th, 2007|05:04 pm]
[music |Gism. oh my god.]

yeah. it was totally awesome last summer when me and Chris went to Yellow Springs, Ohio by accident. we just drove through it and were like, "what's this little hippie town?" and we parked and walked around and it was so nice and quaint. then we walked into a comic book/record shop and it started raining like all hell and after about 5 minutes we realized we had left the vent windows open in the car and ran back through the downpour to the car but when we got there someone had already closed them for us. we could tell because they weren't latched inside, just pushed closed, so someone had to have closed them from the outside. what a nice thing to do. so then we walked around in the puddles for a while with no shoes and socks on and the whole town was so colorful and bright and i wished i'd brought my camera. we decided it would be a really nice place to live and then turned around and headed back to the car and put our soaking pants over the back seat to dry and left. and now it's cold and the world is covered in snow, but so little snow that it's not very nice to look at. and the roads are slick and you can't drive on them and when i drove to Kris's house to get my jacket i was sliding a little just going up his hill. i can't wait for spring.
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ignorance is bliss. or maybe isolation. [Feb. 6th, 2007|01:05 am]
[mood |_________]
[music |Ghost Mice and their elementary school thought process]

i wish i was a mountain goat
i wish i didn't know all the things i know
i'd eat alpine flowers for lunch each day
and take naps in the sun in some secret place
living high on peaks all covered in snow
and the valleys where no one else could go
what some people call danger i'd call my home and i'd
never have to hear another telephone.
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