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so... [Oct. 29th, 2007|11:30 pm]
Anqi and i have broken up. and i'm only writing this here so i can save myself the trouble of telling it in person to whoever will read it here before then.

i dunno, the past week has been pretty shitty, and she said things just weren't working out, and i had to agree. but i wanted to try and make things better, but she thought it just wasn't worth it. we're still friends i guess, and i have to admit i like that. the past several days of being "just friends" have made me feel like our situation when we started dating prevented us from doing so many things as just "friends" that i really regret not doing before.

the whole thing is just so hard for me to accept, like i feel like it's soooo hard to not want to be her boyfriend and not want to hold her hand and hang out with her all the time, like it's so hard to just let go like i feel she has. but she has other things to do and other people she likes hanging out with and even a boy she hangs out with all the time who i bet she could be in a relationship with except she says she's not ready yet. and i feel bad sometimes because it feels like i can't just let her go and do her own thing, but at the same time i'm worried that she's going to end up making some decisions that she'll regret in the future.

blah, the whole thing just makes me really sad and lonely. i'd love to get back together with her, even though i know it wouldn't be the same for a while, but i'm not getting my hopes up. yet i'm worried that i won't find anyone who could make me feel the way she did. oh, well. whatever. this was probably more than i needed to say, but i feel like it would be easier than telling it to a lot of people in person. the end.
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so... [Sep. 13th, 2007|01:27 am]
the 6 button fell off of my phone. it still works, though...it's just weird.
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bleh bleh bleh bleh [May. 8th, 2007|02:03 am]
ah, well tonight was dumb. i did my last Matlab assignment ever in Calculus, and it took me for freaking ever. i finished like 20 minutes ago. it was ridiculous. um...at least school is almost over, although i realized i have another paper to write for philosophy which isn't due until next Thursday, when i have my final in that class.

blah, school should just end already. i'm going on a road trip on May 26th through June 1st or 2nd, depending on when Erik needs to be back, and that should be cool. i'm going with Erik and Stu, and maybe Chris, mostly because i really really want to go with Erik and i figured Erik and Stu get along better than Erik and just about any of my other friends, and i asked Chris to go just because i love taking road trips with Chris, but i guess it's alright if he can't come. if he can't, hopefully i'll get a chance later in the summer to go somewhere with him. or maybe i'll go on that bike ride i've thought about from here to Pittsburg, with whoever feels like coming. me, Erik, and Stu are going around Lake Michigan i guess, in kind of a wide loop, and hopefully we'll get a chance to stop off in Yellow Springs, Ohio, because i feel like i missed out on a lot when i went there with Chris. i don't really know what's in Michigan, like the other half that sticks out horizontally above the main part, but there's lots of national or state parks, so it should be cool. plus the midwest is pretty alright by itself, from my experience with it, except northern Ohio.

blah. Anqi's going to be gone for three weeks in July, and i don't have anything planned for that time as far as band stuff goes, so hopefully i'll get another trip in during that time, on bikes or in cars. Geri suggested that me and him and some other people go on a road trip this summer, so i'm thinking that would be cool, just because Geri is a cool guy. i'm also thinking about going somewhere with Jake, because he seems like the exploring type and all. um, i dunno...maybe i'll just be like, "Geri! you and me are changing the oil in your Taurus and then driving to Mexico and staying there for a couple weeks." that would be cool.

having my van fully operational now is a huge relief. it was such a pain this past weekend getting it back from the shop and seeing that the fan worked for a second, and then taking it out that night and having it overheat again because the little thing that joins the fan motor to the blades was stripped and only catching some of the time (some of the time being the time me and my dad saw it turning). but i went to Crazy Ray's and got a new (to me) part and a new tail light because apparently Dan can't park his car. all told, it cost about a gazillion dollars less than getting new parts from the dealer, though. maybe this weekend i'll take Kenny to Crazy Ray's and he can get a new turn signal for his van if he feels like going up there. eh, i actually just kinda like the junkyard. it's cool salvaging working parts from non-working cars. but then again, i just think cars in general are pretty cool. actually, mostly just that my car is totally awesome and other cars are just cool.

and to make my car even cooler, it's going to hit 168,666 miles tomorrow. so there. hopefully this weekend i'll put some paint on the roof, too. my dad said it would only cost like $300 to paint the whole thing, but i feel bad painting it if it's just gonna get written on again. i wouldn't say it's worth it; i'll just put a coat of rusty metal primer on the roof and be done with it. which is weird, because on Friday night when i got a little chunk knocked out of the glass on my tail light, i immediately thought how i'd be at Crazy Ray's on Sunday afternoon getting a new one. because somehow lights are more important than the body itself. oh, well. i like the smell and ambiance of cigarette smoke, but i don't like the idea of smoking cigarettes. maybe someday i'll just light cigarettes and leave them burning for the atmospheric effect, but never actually smoke them. the end.
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bikes!! [Apr. 26th, 2007|01:12 am]
it shouldn't have been this cold tonight. i just got back from a bike ride around the lake. i forgot how scary night bike rides to the lake can be, and why i hardly ever go there after dark. it's actually probably safer than most places in town, but it's just that feeling of being entirely alone the whole way. i saw a total of one other person, and that was within sight of campus. going around the lake itself isn't that bad, either...that gray-yellow sky is reflected on the surface and when you're on the far shore you can see the train go by but not hear it, only it roars by 20 yards away from you on the near shore. but going there and back is just weird. but no late-night ride can compare to the one i took in Huntington. 1 a.m. in some dirty industrial hick town eight hours from home, freezing cold January night, riding by the unlit train yard with a couple of drunk winos yelling at me as i rode past. scary. bikes rule.
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any time you can find me there, i'll be waiting. [Apr. 24th, 2007|02:38 am]
[music |i walk past the place to meet without turning.]

wow, Seam is such a cool band.
mmm, tonight the sky reminded me of one time a while ago when i was coasting my bike under the train tracks in Nashville to the other side of town and i looked up and there was that dim yellow halogen aura in the clouds and in the air and a few drops of rain fell for a minute then stopped and i was so hungry but couldn't find a cheap place to eat that late and had been riding much farther than i'd anticipated. but it was nice, and warm for being January, and made me glad to at least be away. it felt so different from home, and i liked it. the next morning was cold and windy. but tomorrow won't be like that.
summer is coming. i can't wait. i refuse to wait.
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new discoveries: past 24 hours: [Apr. 19th, 2007|11:23 pm]
[mood |fingers crossed]

1. my Marshall 4x12 cab has only 3 working, wired-up speakers. it is, previously unbeknownst to me, a 3x12. strange.
2. Erik's 2x15 bass cab only has 1 working speaker. also strange.
3. the reason Marshall used to put 35-watt Celestion speakers in their cabs instead of 75-watt ones was so that the speakers would be pushed beyond their normal power limit and experience the "breakup" which is apparently very desirable, only it would come at lower volume levels. i don't really care about this because i doubt any guitar speaker we own will be seriously played at anything except super-loud volume ever again.

repairs are in progress. as of next weekend, all of the electronic equipment that is used by the bands Neverending Winter, Kamikaze Noise, the Fighting Polygon Team, Randall, and other bands which share members with those four, will work properly. for the first time since last December.

hopefully.

and yeah, i really have noticed that all our speakers ever experience is super-loud volumes. and in my car, almost all the music i play is at high levels. it's like they wait and wait and wait to be played, and when they are played, we wring every ounce of juice we can get out of them, and then turn them off. it's interesting i guess. but i guess speakers don't really have feelings, so i don't really mind doing it.
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attention wintry weather: [Apr. 16th, 2007|09:13 pm]
it's spring! get over yourself!
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uhm humm [Apr. 12th, 2007|08:58 pm]
[music |Gregor Samsa, Woodcat]

i played a game of StarCraft today. and i won. against three computer players. in fact, i totally destroyed. well, not really. i also played a one on one game yesterday and won that, too. in fact, it was really cool that i won that one, because i was Zerg and fighting against Protoss, which is usually my worst matchup against the computer because the computer will just use a bunch of psionic storms and even though it has practically nothing left, it will destroy massive portions of my armies. because even the most powerful Zerg units don't have many hit points. but i used cool strategies, like parasites for scouting and spawn broodlings on their high templar and plague with defilers buried just outside the computer's base. plague and spawn broodlings and parasite all rule. and then i crept a group of lurkers into their northern base, while i attacked their western base with my guardians and retreated to recover every time i got hit with a psionic storm. once it got to that really irritating point where the computer is out of resources and their only defense is high templar, i used spawn broodlings on all their high templar and easily took out the rest of their base with lurkers. totally cool. then today, i thought i was going to get rushed, but i didn't, so i ended up behind on bases because i'd spent so much time reinforcing my first one. i was Terran, and i put two SCVs and two seige tanks on this ridge just below this base the Protoss had established, and i built like 6 or 8 missile turrets on this ridge and then hit the base with my seige tanks and it was cool because i had enough turrets there that the computer couldn't hit me from the air or drop anything onto the ridge because they'd get killed. so i eventually put some goliaths and more turrets up there, and once i'd taken out all the probes from this base, i sent a couple more seige tanks in to take out the rest of it, and i only had like 6 seige tanks, 6 goliaths, and 4 missile turrets to defend that base for the rest of the game. then i was about even as far as bases, and waited out a bunch of attacks from the 2 remaining computers, then made an army of like 5 seige tanks and 4 vultures and took out the one computer's only remaining base, and then i built like 6 battlecruisers, 6 wraiths, a science vessel, and 2 nuclear silos and took out this island base in the center. and then i basically used nukes and seige tanks to take out the rest of the computer's high templar and dark archons and photon cannons. then i sent in my 6 battlecruisers and finished them off and it was way cool. i was proud of myself. but not really. it's been way too long since i played StarCraft, but lately i find myself using cool strategies like plague and burying defilers just outside my opponent's base and irradiate and spawn broodlings and parasite for scouting the enemy base and psionic storm and using missile turrets and seige tanks on ridges to take out workers at a base and lining the perimeter of my base and choke points like bridges with spider mines and actually using vultures (which actually rule) and high templar and queens and defilers and dark templar and corsairs (which are actually really annoying to fight against).

i found out on YouTube that there's an actual StarCraft league in Korea and i watched a couple of battles from it, and they have the game speed set really high and it's so different from what i'm used to, against the computer (where there's a giant rush or two at the beginning and then they only send 4 or 5 units at a time to your base after that, and it's a battle to see who can establish themselves the best) or against other people (which i haven't done in a while, but it sometimes involved a rush or two, and lots of building massive armies and sending huge groups of the most powerful air units at once). it was really cool to watch, because there's no setting up huge defenses from the very start, and absolutely constant attacking and unit production, but usually low to middle-level units, unless the games run very long, which they usually don't. anyways, it was cool, and i'm learning ways that i can totally pwn Bryan Channas if we ever play again and i'm sure i'll be addicted to watching these replays because they're just so damn cool.

i went running today, too. that was alright. i have a big calculus test tomorrow that i have to study for, too. and i have a big physics assignment due, too. and i'm going to see Government Warning on Saturday in DC. and supposedly Anqi is in a band with Jake Winstanley, and they're playing somewheres on Friday, so i'll probably go see that. and i've been playing a lot of Pokemon. i'm about to beat Sabrina in Saffron City. i gave Anqi my blue version, too, and she's been playing, too. tomorrow i'm going to buy a link cable and we'll trade Pokemon. and at some point, we'll have to buy another game so we can get Bulbasaur and Squirtle and Jolteon and Flareon and complete our Pokedexes. that will be cool, i know it. and then i'll finally be able to go to the guy in the Celadon Mansion who says to come see him when you've got all 150 pokemon in your pokedex. i forget what he gives you, so it should be cool. i can't wait to finish studying so i can play Pokemon and watch replays of professional StarCraft games and then go to sleep. i need to cut my fingernails.
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blah blah blah blah blah [Apr. 5th, 2007|01:10 am]
punks is dumpies. apparently kickball tonight didn't happen, even though last week everyone was like, "yeah! we should do this every wednesday night!" and "i haven't done something this cool in a while." so that was kind of disappointing. i'd been looking forward to it all week. um...i also got my money eaten by 3 vending machines today. that was disappointing, too. and, to top it all off, i nearly had a heart attack when i read the e-mail that i just noticed i had gotten regarding my philosophy paper that i already turned in. it was just some argument we absolutely were not to consult in the paper, but i was confused about what argument it was and thought it was the exact one i took half the paper discussing. i immediately checked and it turned out it wasn't, but that would have sucked a whole whole lot. so i got off lucky there. the world is too stressful for me.
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mmmmmm [Apr. 2nd, 2007|08:17 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Dmin x4, C x2, F, Emin, Bb x4, Amin x2, Bb x2. low and high.]

do you ever think somebody is just plain dumb and will never get it, and then start to think that maybe they're way ahead of you and you just don't understand it now? i mean, i feel a lot of times like i'm way over some random kid's head, and just assume that to be true. but that kid probably thinks the exact opposite about me, like i just don't get it and i'm doing it all wrong. i used to think that emo music was just all whiny bullshit, but now i really understand it and appreciate it and it's probably my favorite kind of music to listen to. the dreamer thinks he's so much smarter than the realist and will get so much more value out of life, but the realist thinks she's going places and the dreamer will just wallow in his own thoughts and imagination for the rest of his life and his goals will never be realized. i'd vote for the dreamer, but what if there's someone with an even deeper understanding of things and who can look past even the bullshit i run into. hmm...
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